The local high school has a policy that the parent's must call the school if the student is to be absent for the day. Kelly, deciding to sluff and go to the mall with her friends waited till her parent's had left for work and called the school herself. This is the actual conversation of the telephone call. Kelly: "Hi, I'm calling to report that Kelly so-in-so is unable to make it to school today because she is ill. Secretary at high school: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I'll note her absence. Who is this calling?" Kelly: "This is my mother."

A teacher was helping her student with a math problem. She recited the following story: There are three birds sitting on a wire. A hunter shoots one of the birds. How many birds are left on the wire?"

The boy pauses. "None," he replied thoughtfully.

"No, no, no. Let's try again," the teacher says patiently. She holds up three fingers. "There are three birds sitting on a wire. A hunter shoots one," she puts down one finger, "how many birds are left on the wire?"

"None," the boy says with authority. The teacher sighs. "Tell me how you came up with that."

"It's simple," says the boy, "after the hunter shot one bird, he scared the other two away."

"Well," she says, "it's not technically correct, but I like the way you think."

"Okay," chimes the boy, "Now let me ask you a question. There are three women sitting on a bench eating popsicles. One woman is licking the popsicle, one woman is biting the popsicle, and one is sucking the popsicle. Which one is married?" he asked innocently.

The teacher looked at the boy's angelic face and writhed in agony, turning three shades of red. "C'mon," the boy said impatiently, "one is licking the popsicle, one is biting, and one is sucking. Which one is married?"

"Well," she gulped and in a barely audible whisper replied," the one who's sucking?"

"No," he says with surprise, "the one with the wedding ring on. But I like the way you think."

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"

A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."

The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."

The kindergarten class had settled down to its colouring books. Willie came up to the teacher's desk and said, "Miss Francis, I ain't got no crayons."

"Willie," Miss Francis said, "you mean, "I don't have any crayons.' You don't have any crayons. We don't have any crayons. They don't have any crayons. Do you see what I'm getting at?"

"Not really," Willie said, "What happened to all them crayons?"

Teacher: Little Johnny, go to the map and find North America.

Little Johnny: Here it is!

Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?

Class: Little Johnny!

Teacher: Are you chewing gum?

Little Johnny: No, I'm Little Johnny.

Teacher: How can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one day?

Little Johnny: I get up early.

Teacher; Didn't you promise to behave?

Little Johnny: Yes, sir.

Teacher: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't?

Little Johnny: Yes, sir, but since I broke my promise, you didn't have to keep yours.