A Sad Man

A man sat at a bar, drinking slowly. On his face was the saddest hangdog expression. The bartender asked, "What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?" The man said, "We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month." The bartender said, "That should make you happy." The man sadly shook his head and said, "Not when the month is up today!"

11 Tequilla Shots

  A guy is at the bar talking to the bartender. The discussion goes on about the most shots of tequila in a row ever done in the bar without throwing up. The bartender tells him that the record is ten straight. The man laughs and says, "I can do that, no problem." So the bartender sets up 11 shots on the bar for the man. The man looks, laughs and quickly downs all 11 in about 5 minutes. Everyone in the bar watches in anticipation waiting for him to throw it up but he doesn't. Eventually, he staggers out the door and gets into a cab. The next evening that same man comes back to the bar looking very worn out, and orders a ginger ale. The bartender looks at him and says, "What, no more tequila?" The man looks up and says, "Not for a while my friend. You see, when I got home last night, the room started spinning and I blew chunks." The bartender says, "Blowing chunks is not that bad. Most people who drink that much usually throw up." The man replies, "But you don't understand. Chunks is my dog!" 

Nun & The Drunk

  One night, after a long evening of drinking. Jim was thrown out of the bar as usual. On his way home he spotted a nun walking down the road. after looking at her twice he ran over and tackled her, then proceeded to beat the living snot out of her. Some people passing by spotted this and called the police. As the police were pulling him away in handcuffs he looked back and said, 'Shoot, I thought you'd be tougher than that, Batman!

Too Shy

  A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean, $200?"