CIA Recruits

 The director of the CIA has to test three new agents, a 25-year-old, a 35-year-old, and a 45-year-old. He puts each of their wives in a different room. He hands the 25-year-old a gun and says, "Go into the room and kill your wife." The 25-year-old says, "I can't do it. I love her too much." The director hands the gun to the 35-year-old and says, "Go into the room and kill your wife." The 35-year-old goes into the room, comes out after five minutes, and says, "I can't do it." The director hands the gun to the 45-year-old and says, "Go into the room and kill your wife." The 45-year-old goes into the room. Three shots ring out, and then there's the sound of scuffling and fighting. The director runs into the room and sees the wife dead on the floor. He says, "What happened?" The 45-year-old says, "Some asshole put blanks in the gun, so I had to choke her to death." 

Crystal Ball

 The Acme Company was trying to sell its new computerized crystal ball to a major marketing executive. But as expected, the executive was quite skeptical. The Acme sales rep told the executive, "Go ahead and type a question into the crystal ball." The executive typed, "Where is my father?" The crystal ball bleeped and blooped for a short while, and then came back with "Your father is fishing in Michigan." The executive said to the sales rep, "You see? I knew this was BS. My father's been dead for twenty years." "Hmmmm. Try asking the question in a different way." This time the executive typed, "Where is my mother's husband?" The crystal ball came back with an answer, even more quickly this time than before. "Your mother's husband has been dead for twenty years. Your father just landed a three pound trout." 

Giving 100% at Work

Always give 100% at work...

12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday, 5% on Fridays

And remember... When you're having a really bad day and it seems like people are trying to piss you off, remember it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend your finger and flip them off. 

Lost Pen

  A doctor goes to cash a check at his local grocery store, and pulls a rectal thermometer out of his pocket to sign the check.Quite embarrassed he says "Well now that's just great....some asshole has my pen". 

The Painter

There was this world famous painter. In the prime of her career, she started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world. After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office. During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?" To this, the eye doctor responded, I said to myself 'Thank God, I'm not a gynecologist.'