"Microsoft - Boot Camp"

It was decided by Microsoft during a brilliant brainstorming session that military service would improve the skills and discipline of their finest technician. So off to boot camp he went.

At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

The Microsoft tech looked at his rifle and then at the target again.

"Hmmm.," he thought, "I'll get to the bottom of this in no time."

He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He pointed his still loaded rifle at the ground in front of him and fired. A cloud of dust kicked up, and a little dimple was left there in the dust.

"Yep, it's working," he concluded.

The technician yelled out to the others at the target end, "The rifle is in working order, and the bullet seems to be leaving this end just fine. The trouble must be at your end!"

Computer Tips

·          Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes. 

·          My software never has bugs; it just develops random features. 

·          Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put in new ones. 

·          The name is Baud... James Baud. 

·          Access denied - nah nah nah nah nah! 

·          Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! STAAAY... 

·          As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing. 

·          Backups? We don't need no stinking backups. 

·          E Pluribus Modem 

·          A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord. 

·          11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbour’s Pentium. 

·          Computer (dfn): A device designed to speed and automate errors. 

·          Help! I've modemed and I can't hang up!! 

·          All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound? 

·          Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE! 

·          Sped up my PC; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_~" 

·          Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N) 

·          Read my chips: No new upgrades! 

·          Hit any user to continue. 

·          I hit the CTRL key...but I'm still not in control! 

·          Will the information superhighway have any rest stops? 

·          Disk Full - Press F1 to belch. 

·          Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (V)omit 

·          If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in. 

·          Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects. 

·          Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand. 

·          Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers. 

·          Will configure ones and zeros for food!

The longest I've been on is 24 hours and part of that time was spent face down on the keyboard, trying to keep a closer eye on what my fingers were doing. That's not an easy job with your eyes closed! Some things coming up on the screen were really strange! But, I'm not addicted...

I enjoy searching the web. I have stayed up all night more than once following link, after link, after link... I just want to know how far one will go before it breaks and there's no where to go but home - It's not an addiction- it's a quest for knowledge!

So what if the house work isn't done - it's not condemnable - Yet. A clean house is not a priority - at least not until there's a camera hook up so other cyber folks can see this pig sty.

Exercise? Who needs it? My arm and wrist are almost non-existent now from exercising my mouse.

Family doesn't understand that this is my life support system - Not an addiction!

I have a shelf at my desk with snacks so I don't have to cook; I've installed outlets next to the PC for my coffee pot, and my Pepsi's remain at my side in a cooler box. - need that caffeine.

I replaced my desk chair with a recliner. I NEED one with a concealed potty chair. It would help if it also had a spot to keep all my PCNovice magazines.

The family's reaction to having my head shaved to allow more time for the net was totally unacceptable.

No matter what they say, I am NOT border-link nutsville!

And now they claim to be concerned about my eyesight.

Hey, wouldn't you rather look at a monitor than a filthy house?

You could be a Web Junky if:

You don't notice that your wife is walking around the house naked with a can of whipped cream.

5 minutes ago at 9:30 the wife said goodnight. You look at the clock and it's 3:02 AM.

Your dog craps on the rug and you decide to clean it up later.

You get a warm feeling in your groin when you touch your mouse.

You delete your kid's games for more disk space.

A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it. Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message.

"Due to lack of maintenance," he read, "we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account."

My Dear Husband,

I am sending you this letter via this e-mail communications thing, so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives TWO YEARS AGO.

The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project, all the figures were good, and the back of your head is very realistic. You should be very proud of him.

Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jenny, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.

I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago, and discovered that it really is more fun! George, I mean, Mr. Wilson the department head, has uh, taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all.

I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you didn't mind being vacuumed, but that feather dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring; I'm sure you noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so you wouldn't be disturbed.

Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle George, uh, Mr. Wilson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away, She'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to your desk, just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer will have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jenny and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.

Love,

Your Wife